Miss Independent and Mistakes: A life of Surrender

For so long now I've wondered who I am. Who I really am, in the depths of my heart. I've recently moved out and have had to take on many new responsibilities. I started a new job, school and moved out of my parents' house all in the same week. Since then, I've been discovering things about myself... Discovering things, secrets, and information I never knew. I've been discovering, and these discoveries baffle me. Moving out is something I never thought I could do. I didn't believe I had what it took… And now that I have, I like it. I like who I am. Who I am becoming. I like this side of me. My time management has skyrocketed to a new extreme. I work, I do homework, I work, I sleep. The schedule is tight and so is my budget but I love it. Miss Independent. I like her.

I like her, but sometimes, I don't like her. I get tired. I get lazy. I get annoyed and irritated. I get upset when I do things that disappoint me, when I do things I know are not in my character. My imperfections rise to the top, like water, boiling over onto the stove, hissing in protest at the warmth of the heat which provoked it in the beginning. I take responsibility for my actions, I'm forced to own up to my immaturities, I'm forced to confront and address my issues head on. I am at a crossroads in my life. A crossroads with a choice, a hard choice at that. I much choose my path daily, and sometimes I make the wrong choice. Sometimes my flesh, constantly gnawing at my soul, takes me into its downward spiral, but always, Jesus pulls me back. I feel Him, always there, calling my name, patiently waiting for me to choose Him over myself… I don't always choose Him, though, and I hate it. Living in my flesh feels good, it feels right, I live there, in my flesh and I forget how sweet the taste of His love is. I forget His sweetness. I forget the overwhelming joy and the tenderness of His embrace. Why do I forget? HOW could I forget? Why must I go through this cycle? I've heard the phrase, "live in full surrender to God" and I've always wondered what it meant… To live in full surrender. I've come to the conclusion that choosing Him, over myself, over my flesh, over that little downfall that always nags, choosing HIM over that… THAT'S what means the world to Him. That's a life lived in surrender. Learning. Always learning. Learning to live in surrender, to make hard choices, to confront, to grow… Learning to be my full self, learning to give myself to Him. Learning who I am, becoming who I want to be, by living in the sweetness of surrender. Sometimes it's a train wreck, but it's always beautiful, beautiful because I'm learning.
Learning takes time, it takes seasons and it takes baby steps. It's a process I must embrace. Embrace the good and the bad. Expect both and strive for better. I, Miss Independent, will make mistakes, but mistakes are lessons, and lessons are learning opportunities, which, then, become my lifestyle, and therefore a part of who I am and who I become. It's all new but it's all good. I'm becoming who I will be when eyes are on me, and when they are not. 

The Cycle

My life is a cycle, from which I am constantly learning and which I am constantly living. Sometimes it's different and sometimes the same. 

I fail.

I mess up.

I get angry.

I make mistakes.

I act like a two year old.

I throw fits.

I throw parties.

Pity parties…

You don't want to see those.

I get tired.

I get lazy.

I get in moods.

Cleaning moods.

Sad moods.

Eating moods.

The kind where I eat five popsicles in a row.

Then I feel sick.

And do it again.

Sassy moods.

Depressed moods.

Happy moods.

Sleepy moods.

I procrastinate.

I get stuff done.

I think about cooking for myself.

Then realize it's not worth it.

So I make a sandwich.

Which are always so good.

Then I work.

And work some more.

Then my feet hurt.

Then I crash on my couch.

Then I wake up with blanket indents on my face.

Sometimes slobber.

I know you wanted to know that.

And then I start all over again. 

The cycle.

Yet after all of this, at the end of my day, I'm grateful for everything that happened, good or bad. Why? Because I learn from everything and because my circumstances and reactions make me realize how imperfect I am. When I see my imperfections, I fall more in Love with He who doesn't see them. I realize new depths of His love. I realize my identity in Him. I see who HE is and who I am in Him. The cycle can only grow me, it cannot break me. It cannot define who I am but my reactions to it define who I will become. The important thing is that I learn, and stretch and embrace every opportunity to do so… And that through everything, at the end of the day, I realize He's still there, leading and walking with me.

The Eye of the Beholder: Ashley

This is Ashley.

Ashley is 21 years old.
She is a hairstylist (and quite talented).
She is also my roommate and one of my best friends.

Here are a few questions from my interview with Ashley:

1. What is your biggest insecurity? "My biggest insecurity is my smile."

2. What is the number one thing that triggers self-awareness about your smile? "When I see pictures of myself close up, I realize that my smile is slightly crooked on the right side because of abnormal jaw growth."

3. What are some hurtful things people have said about your smile? ""Why is your smile crooked?" or "Why does your jaw make that funny sound when you open and close it?" both hurt."

4. How have you or are you overcoming your insecurity? "Over time, I've realized that I am beautiful no matter what, and honestly I'm my own worst critic and enemy sometimes. When I view myself in a positive light, I start to love myself more."

5. What advise would you give other girls about embracing and overcoming their insecurities? "The advise I would give to other girls about ANY type of insecurity is this- If you recognize that you have an insecurity, you've already taken the first step to overcome it, and you're already a stronger person. From there, you start the healing process. God made you EXACTLY how he wanted you to be. Have JOY through it and don't let it affect you in a negative way. Be bold, courageous and full of life! The enemy can't get you down, God is bigger!"

Overcoming insecurity is all about loving your body just the way it is. In reality, there is no real standard to beauty when it comes to your physical looks, but your OWN. Like Ashley said, be bold, be courageous and be full of life! OWN the skin you're in, love your body, and become a better woman because of it.

The Eye Of The Beholder

The following post and posts to come are not compositions on "how women need to embrace their bodies" even though that is true. They are not writings and ramblings about how magazines constantly scream "if you don't look like this you are not beautiful" even though that is also true. No, they are blog posts about a real issue that has been on my heart for a long time. They're about a real struggle that takes place in every woman's heart. They're about beauty and they're about the lie that beauty has become.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

This is a saying, I'm sure, most of the world has heard at one point or another. It suggests that some things may not be beautiful to some people but to others, those things are breathtaking. Beauty is something that has withstood the test of time. It's actually been around since before time began, and I believe that it has been distorted and twisted to only pertain to certain things… or even certain people. 

Now, as a woman, I, like every other woman on the planet, desire to be beautiful because it is in my nature. It is the cry of my little heart to be called breathtaking, lovely, and beautiful… To have someone look at me and tell me, "you're a treasure."
Sadly, we live in a world that teaches "only SOME women are beautiful." The world teaches young girls that to be beautiful they must look, act, talk, and dress a certain way and if they don't, no one will like them. This is a devastating blow to the emotional and mental wellbeing of a woman. Why? Because beauty is what women were created for.
About a month ago I was at a women's conference and door prizes were being given between sessions. There was a photographer taking pictures of all the winners, asking them to smile and show off their prize. One woman won a prize and asked that her picture not be taken. Now, this could mean two things. One, it could mean that she had an irrational fear of cameras, or two, that she did not think she was beautiful enough to be captured on camera. Insecurity, either way.
Insecurity is, I'm convinced, the Enemy's biggest weapon against women. Every woman has insecurities that constantly pull and nag at hear heart and mind. Recent phrases I've heard women say are as follows:

"I'm so fat.""My hair is so gross."

"I do NOT look good without makeup."

"I hate my legs."

"I hate my hands, they're so fat."

*someone takes a picture* "EW!! Retake that!! I look so awful."

"I wish I was taller."

"I wish I was skinnier."

"I wish I had more muscle."

"My boobs are too small."

"My boobs are too big."

"I wish I was as pretty as her."

The list is endless. Some of my own thoughts have been:

"I wish I was as cool as her."

"She is stunning, I wish I looked more like her."

"My shoulders are too wide."

"My eyes are too small."

"I need to be more tan."

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe I used to look like that."

Here are just a few statistics I've found on body image:

"About 15% of Young women develop disorderly eating habits."-Hesse-Biber 2006

"Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media."- Palmer, Mario. "5 Facts About Body Image." 

"In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future. The statistics remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status, and race."-ASAPS: The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery.

Beauty, distorted. Beauty, criticized. Beauty, torn apart. Beauty, destroyed.

HOW DEVASTATING. It breaks my heart to hear these things. I used to catch myself ALL the time thinking these thoughts and finally I decided to put it to a screeching halt.
ENOUGH is ENOUGH.
Your body is the only thing you will have your entire life. YOU ARE STUCK WITH YOUR BODY. WHY would you choose to LET yourself hate it. I've found that the more I talk bad about something I dislike, the more I dislike it. Not too long ago I was talking with the Lord about this very issue and He told me something I will never forget. "I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. When you bad mouth your body, you're bad mouthing my handiwork." The eye of the beholder. And I began to change the way I think. I began to pray "God, help me see how beautiful your creation is, not only in myself but in others". Now, when I hear women, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PART OF CREATION, bad talk themselves, my heart breaks because that might be the very thing that God most loves about the way he created them.
Ladies, I know that insecurity can constantly linger in the back of your mind. I know the battle, it's so easy to stop fighting those thoughts and give in… But there is nothing more unattractive than a woman who thinks she is unattractive. Enough is enough. Can you stop badmouthing your body and view it a new way? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your eyes. Your body is beautiful. The way you look is so beautiful. Special. Without flaw. Perfect.
I don't care what shape or size you are, because the truth is, that it doesn't matter. You don't have to be a certain way to be beautiful. In the posts to come I will interview five girls about their biggest insecurity, and how they have or haven't overcome it. It's time to take a stand, because the best thing about insecurity is that you CHOOSE it. So, will you choose it, or will you choose to let go, and embrace true beauty.

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”-Steve Maraboli. "Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience"

49ers and 50 Footers

For a long time now I've been growing older, everyday of my life actually. And as I get older, I realize that I don't actually feel my age. I've felt 18 for the past three years (well almost three). When people ask how old I am I look back at them and say "I'm 20" and can hardly believe my speech. As I approach 21, I realize I am no where close to where I thought I'd be at this age. Though 21 is still quite young, I'm becoming more and more aware of the passings of time. Precious time. This realization lead me to reflecting on my life while looking through old pictures, earlier today. I'm quite pleased with life thus far but also looking forward to my newly found dreams. As I reminisced, I came across this photo:

This is a photo of my mom jumping off a 50 foot cliff at the age of 49. She's awesome. I wasn't going to jump off this cliff but when she did, I thought, "this will look really bad if my 49 year old mother jumps off and I don't…" So I held my breath and jumped. Seconds later, I thought I broke my legs, but it was worth it. Anyway, I saw this photo and at first glance I thought, 

"That was a fun trip. What a dream." 

Then I heard a voice say, "She has dreams just like you, Micah."

My mom has always wanted to go to Hawaii, and she finally got to go… God really does care about our dreams. And when I realized this (for the millionth time because I keep forgetting) I wanted to cry. Not out of sadness or guilt, but because I got to see my mom fulfill one of her dreams. I'm sure I've seen it before but this one, we shared. Cliff jumping, island exploring, mountain climbing, waterfall swimming… Nothing but pure, blissful dreams coming true and turning into memories that we get to share forever.

Love you mom. 

Learning to Dream

This heart of mine is a weary mess of love and feelings and hurts and pains… Sometimes pains so deep they can only be thought of, not felt. But it is also a mess of joy and laughter and thoughts that soar through the oblivion of my imagination. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. The kind of thinking that is a tangled, jumbled mess in your brain. The kind that you can't pinpoint exactly where it is coming from.
As of late I have been feeling this ache, this burning sensation deep within my soul. An anxious desire to go, be, do, live… I could not put a name on these feelings and thoughts because I had let myself forget them and at last, I have discovered, I have pinpointed, what it is I have been experiencing. Dreams. I remember sitting in a local coffee shop with a friend a few months ago and literally asking her, "What are dreams?". I could not, for the life of me, think of one dream I had, so she prayed with me for God to awaken the dreams within my heart and at last, they are bubbling to the surface.
Dreams. Burning, raging, wild, bold dreams, coming to vibrant and colorful life in my heart, bursting forth from my soul and into my mind. At last I am learning, once again, what it means to dream. Some are silly desires of my girlish heart and some are like mountains that seem only achievable with Devine help… But still, they are dreams, and they are wonderful. Blissful. Breathtaking. Bright. Brave. Beautiful. Dreams. And I'm ready to live them.

Dew

As I sit here and sip my coffee and eat my small fried cake of sweetened dough (a doughnut), I look outside and study my surroundings. I see the trees stretching to grasp the light that softly shines down on them as it makes its way to the top of the sky, only to, eventually, sink back down… I see the shadows of limbs and leaves dance across the freshly cut grass… I see twinkles of dew drops sparkle and shine, as glimpses of the morning sun hit them and bring my eye's attention to their existence… Dew. How I love dew. I don't know why, but there is something about it that makes me just wonder at the love of the Creator… It falls in the night and comes to a resting place on the ground below, coating the earth with a heavy blanket of moisture, reviving and restoring the thirsty crust and all that grows out of it's dust. It's the call, the beaconing of a new day, a new adventure, a new moment where I can keep existing and breathing the air that I let fill my lungs and bring me to the life that waits to be lived.
Dew. It reminds me, somehow, of the moment when I began to fall in love with Jesus, of the moment when he picked up my broken heart, and he held it in His hands. It brings me back to that moment where He looked at me with His eyes and He took my heart and He kissed it… and suddenly, I was whole. Revived. Restored. My heart was whole like it had never been broken.
Fragile and frail is the human heart. Broken by a single word, wounded by a mere thought, hardly holding itself together… Yet He died for mine and for yours. His blood spilling from His beaten and battered body, He died thinking of the love that would come from my weak and unworthy heart. He died willingly, and rose faithfully that He might have that love forever. Like dew, His spirit rests on me each morning, beaconing my soul to awake and to love. To rise up and love the love that first loved me.

It's Hard to Say

It's hard to say exactly what goes through your mind when returning from such a life-changing adventure. It's also hard to adjust to normal life, to relate to people and to really continue living out the change that happened deep beneath your skin, in the depths of your soul. Just as I left everything I knew to go to YWAM, I also left everything I had come to know when returning from YWAM. There were aches in my heart that could never be replaced. Bitterness had many opportunities to sink in to my heart, and I let it. I jumped right in to work when I got home (literally three days after I returned), and I continued to work until February. During those months, I did a lot of soul searching. I processed, thought over, and studied my heart and my thoughts. What was I feeling? I didn't know, so I held it all in until, finally, I broke down in late January after a time of depression and let it all out. I admitted that I felt like I had no purpose, that I was just drifting through my meaningless life. Life… My life… what was I doing with it?
It takes time to get back into the swing of normal life, to process your feelings and emotions, to become okay with yourself again. You go though withdrawals and you go through wondrous times of reminiscing and finally you come to terms with your new reality. It also takes time to become adjusted to full time life and part time missions. After being a missionary full time for 3-6 months you develop this mind set (some people do and some don't) of "If I'm not doing mission work God isn't pleased with me." I was one of the "do" people. I thought God would be disappointed in me because I wasn't doing works when I got home. Now, not to say you shouldn't evangelize at all but I began to develop the mind set that if I didn't, God wouldn't love me as much. Which is a complete lie. Jesus loves the full time missionary just as much as He loves the full time mom or the full time business person, but my mind went back to thinking I could earn God's love. Old habits I guess. But as time went on I began to learn more and more about grace.
True grace, the grace that saved me says, "There is nothing you can do to earn my love, I just give it to you because I'm good and because it's who I am." If there was nothing you could do to gain complete righteousness before Christ, would there not be a negative continuum of nothing to be done after his death? Nothing, except to just accept Him and let Him make you worthy and let Him make you whole. Christ's death and resurrection was final. There was nothing anyone could do to gain God's approval, to make themselves Holy and blameless… NOTHING, so Jesus fixed that problem eternally. All I had to do was accept Him, just accept Him… and I had forgotten, but that moment when I remembered, was the most freeing moment I had had in a long time.

A Blur

I could write and tell you about debrief and my last week in Kona but to tell you the truth it's all a blur in my mind. It all came and went so fast… It was like I blinked and six months was over, six months of denying that it would eventually come to a screeching halt, that I would hit the wall of reality and that I would have to face the truth… My dream would eventually come to an end. It was over and I didn't know what to do.
So, here it is, my best shot at relating to you my last couple weeks… long and possibly confusing… The last of my adventures in Kona, and India, for now at least. Though this final post about my adventures may seem like random thoughts, ramblings and senseless words, it means the world to me because it is truly how I felt… So confused with my feelings and thoughts. It's almost been a year since returning form these adventures. I suppose it's taken me this long to finish writing about it all because it was a way of holding on and not letting go. After I finish writing this, memories are the only thing I have left of that dream, that blissful, challenging, wonderful dream of an adventure. I'm a little sad that I'm done blogging about Kona and India, but mostly thankful and happy that I even got such an opportunity. So, please, forgive my words, push past my scatter-brained thoughts and read into my heart, for that is what you're seeing. This is the very last of what I have to say about my world-traveling adventures then I will continue to write about my more recent endeavors. So, hold on, here it goes.

After we boarded our last flight in South Korea, my mind went in to a dream world. Reality seemed like a fantasy. We eventually arrived in Kona, were assigned rooms and attend the debrief sessions. Each day I was there I walked around the base, my glazed eyes looking around, soaking in all the beauty surrounding me, thinking back on my last moments in India. A day or so in, my team decided to go to the pier and hang at the beach, I went with them, not wanting to part from them until I absolutely had to. I set up my towel and things on the soft, fine sand and drifted off in to the ocean that is my memory… Bright lights flooded and filled my vision. My mind took me back to debrief week. I was sitting on a bed, talking to some girls from my team and one of my leaders. We had just spent a day at the spa. We were sitting there, talking, looking so full and happy… But I looked at myself and saw confusion in my heart… I didn't want to leave this land that I loved, this land my heart had been waiting to grow close to for so many years… yet I couldn't wait to see my friends and family once again… The memory was lingering in my mind, my attention fully focused on every detail, trying to hold on to the only thing I had left of India… Tiny sand specks fell across my skin, I snapped back in to reality. I looked up and saw Megan picking up her towel and gathering her things.

"You ready?" She asked.

"Heck yeah!!" I replied as I sat up and began to pack my beach gear into my little bag.

We walked at a steady pace along the sidewalks of Kona town, occasionally walking along the lava rock walls, feeling the spray of the ocean waves crashing against the sturdy barriers. After a few minutes we finally arrived at our destination… Determined, nervous and excited we stepped into the shiny, clean shop.

"How can I help you?" A voice asked.
"We want to get our noses pierced." Megan said with a smile. I looked at her and beamed, "I'm so nervous!!"

After picking our studs, waiting for some other friends to arrive and mentally preparing ourselves, we were ready. I went first, then Megan. It was the craziest thing I had ever done, but it was so fun and spontaneous. Everyone loved our nose rings and we did too. That evening us girls packed, and talked… I died my hair a dark brown color… Light flooded into my brain once more… This time I was in a rickshaw, speeding down the crowded lanes, having a great time with two of my teammates, we were on our way back from a team dinner, we laughed… I grabbed the bottom of my sari, saving it from being torn to shreds my the harsh pavement and gravel below… I snap back into the present. The girls were all talking about what we would wear on graduation night, I smiled and suggested that we should wear our saris, a few of the other girls agreed and finally we all decided that we would!
The next few days were spent soaking in precious time with precious friends. Finally, the end arrived. Bags were packed and everyone was getting ready for graduation.

(Photo cred goes to Ridiqiulas Photography)

When the time came we all went to the big white tent on the far side of the base. We sat and rose when our names were called and cried and sat and clapped for other teams and rose and it was over. 

Finally, like a blow to the head, Reality sank into my soul and I accepted it. It was over.

That night I gave many hugs, to my dearest friends and cried tears of joy for the wonderful time had and tears of sadness for not knowing when we would ever see each other again and went to sleep.

The next morning I woke early, said my last goodbyes, gathered my things, got on the shuttle and set out with friends to explore Kauai. When we arrived, we dropped our bags off at a friend's house, took our backpacks and set out to explore. The warm island air caressed my skin as it blew in from the rolled down window in the car. I slowly drifted in and out of sleep, about an hour passed and we were dropped off at the mouth of a trail. The hike was 12 miles if I remember correctly. Six in and six out. We hiked in, it was a tough hike, my backpack was full and I was very out of shape… Light flooded into my memory yet again, I saw dust on my sandals. I was walking to the youth hostel... One of the guys graciously offered to carry my backpack for me, I snapped back into reality… I agreed and thanked him. Six miles later, we reached the waterfall at the far end of the valley we hiked in to, took a swim and hiked three miles back to the beach we spent the night on. We played with glow sticks, admired the stars, built a fire and got in our hammocks and sleeping bags and went to sleep. The next morning we woke up and hiked three miles back to the road, took a swim in the ocean, and walked/hitchhiked all the way back to the friend's house where we ate a wonderful home cooked dinner (our first one in months) and slept on real beds. Our hosts were so sweet. They gave each of us a gift of chocolate and jewelry and woke up early to take each of us to our flights.
It was my turn to fly out… I thanked our hostess again and again and said goodbye and went through security. I went through security and boarded the plane. Light, again… I looked out the window and remembered flying by myself to India… It seemed like a dream. I let my mind wander and process and about ten hours later, I was in Texas. My mom and sister picked me up from the dallas airport. We took a nap (I arrived at 5am), then check out of their hotel, and went shopping and talked and laughed and drove home. And it was over. It was over and I wasn't ready for it, but my heart was full and the next chapter in my life was a blank page, waiting to be written on… Would I be ready?

One Lane

The charter bus twisted and turned down the old mountain roads, occasionally stirring me from my sleep, and sometimes making me believe we would surely fall to our deaths. It was a one lane road with cars tearing up and down the mountain path in either direction. Our Seek driver seemed perfectly okay with driving on the very edge, which gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach, I thought I would surely die several times but, finally, we made it to the bus stop where our contacts eagerly waited for us. After unloading and reloading our luggage from the bus and into cars, unpacking the luggage from the cars and then hauling it all at least a quarter of a mile over mountain terrain we arrived at the most darling little house on the side of the most darling not-so-little mountain. It was perfect, everything about it was captivating. We were taken to our rooms (all the girls in one giant room and all the guys in another) and then allowed a little bit of time to unpack and get settled in. After all of us girls were ready, we set out and did a little exploring in a nearby town. We found the most darling little restaurant and sat there and just poured our little hearts out to each other, it was so wonderful.

In the days following we did lots of coffee shop ministry and also encouraged a team that was staying long-term at this particular location. Jesus did such beautiful things there. One day we heard that a man died in a nearby village. Some of our team ventured down to get revenge on death and claim his life back. Raised from the dead? No, he was not... But I do believe something changed in the atmosphere when they stepped out in faith. 

Later, another group of us went down, this time I went with them. I confess, I was angry... It was righteous anger... It welled up inside me. I was determined to see this man raised!! "How dare the grave take this man's life!!!" I thought. But when we got there, all the men had left. They had taken the man's body to the burial site while the women stayed behind and mourned. We went to find the group of mourners, grave diggers, friends and brothers but they were no where to be found. Feeling like we should go back to the house where the man had originally been, we retreated from our wanderings and returned. There, sitting on the far end of her porch, was the man's widow. I walked over, got down on my knees and looked into her eyes. They were eyes like none I have seen before... Filled with tears and a sadness so deep I felt like I was peering straight into her heart. I stretched out my hand towards hers, offering my comfort... She took it. Moving up closer I put my arm around the woman and just sat, letting her cry. One of my friends began to speak in tongues to her, she looked at him and began to speak back! So I began to speak in tongues.... She nodded, with understanding and answered... I was in awe! Whatever words we were saying, though we couldn't understand, seemed to comfort her and her aching heart... I couldn't stop looking at her... And though I couldn't understand what she was saying, I continued to holding her wrinkled, worn out hand in mine. I continued to watched the tears fall, the sighs of sadness come and go... Compassion welled inside me.. Though we weren't able to pray for her husband a second time, I was so thankful we got to pray for her, comfort her, and just sit and hold her.

Some time passed and when we felt it was right we said our goodbyes with one last hug to her. A man raised from the dead? No... Not that day. But I cannot even begin to describe the impact sitting on that porch with an old woman, I had never met before, had on my life... I hope God touched her heart, I know He touched mine.

God moved in miraculous ways during our time in the mountains. It was a place of restoration and renewal in our souls. The cool mornings, the warm days, the wildflowers growing everywhere, the gentle pitter-patter of occasional rain… All of it was so refreshing and rewarding and I was content, though my heart ached to know it would all be over soon.

Abandoning My Family

After leaving the desert, we loaded on a bus and made our way to our "in-between" location where we spent a week. There we did a burn (worship night) and did some church and street ministry.
Although I felt better when leaving the desert, my sickness came back upon arrival at our new home. It was so long ago that I don't remember much but I do remember sitting in the bathroom under the shower head, just crying out to the Lord to heal me, wishing that the water would soak into my veins and magically do something to rehydrate my body. My heart was so weary and it hurt so bad, oh how I missed my family, I missed american food, I missed America in general… "God, help me!" I thought.
Our team was supposed to go to church that day, I was feeling sick but decided to press through and go anyways. We sat in a tiny room, filled with people and listened to such a wonderful sermon about being real and not trying to pretend that your life is perfect.
The next day I called my mom and had one of the most wonderful conversations with her. I told her how I was, how I was feeling, what I was thinking and she picked me right up and told me to forget about them and to press in and press through and to give it my all because it was worth it… and when I realized she was right, I did one of the most difficult things I had ever done in my life… I abandoned my family, I surrendered them and gave them over to the Lord and that's when I knew it was all going to be okay. The next few days were spent talking to and loving on the precious people of India then, it was time to pack up and travel to our next and final destination.  

Don't Sweat It

We had finally made it to the dessert. The air was dusty, the heat was dry. It was the kind of heat that tugged at your skin, practically pulling the moisture out of your body, almost singeing the ends of your hair (slight exageration). We followed our location contact from the train to our rickshaws. We all piled in the tiny car-like vehicles, trying to get as comfortable as possible before we zoomed and zigzagged in and out of traffic. A short time later we arrived at our newest home. Upon arrival, each of us was assigned roommates and a room. I shared a room with two of my close friends Jessica S. and Megan. Most everyone took showers to wash the travel dust from our worn out bodies. After everyone was all washed up we ate some food, explored a little and as far as I can remember went to bed.
Our beds were thin, tiny mattresses on the floor filled with some kind of stuffing that had formed lumps over time. We closed and locked the door to our little room in a house across the street from the base. Our particular room did not yet have a fan so our first night was very hot. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead, it was the hottest night spent in India yet. I looked over at Megan and Jessica, they were holding as still as I was, trying to stay as cool as possible, as if moving would only make things worse. We laid awake most of the night, trying to sleep, but the heat and lack of airflow made that nearly impossible.
In the morning we each took another shower to cool ourselves off, got dressed, and went to breakfast. My body welcomed the fresh chai tea, fruit and eggs. I filled my water bottle to the brim, knowing that I had to stay hydrated and we started our daily prayer and worship. I honestly can't remember much from that first day, it was so long ago. I remember getting to call my parents, it was such a relieve to hear their voices. I broke down, crying when they answered. The past few days had been so hard on my soul. I was half way through the trip, it had been a month and a half since I arrived in India and finally I was starting to get homesick. My mom and dad cried with me as I told them about the recent events, but they also encouraged me to press in and press through… To embrace the struggle. After I spoke with them on the phone I went to a secluded place around the base and had a quiet time. I cried and cried. "Jesus, I am so tired and so scared and so worn out…. But God, YOU are WORTH it." I couldn't believe I was speaking those words and meaning them. "JESUS YOU ARE WORTH IT." I repeated to myself over and over until my heart and soul believed it. After quiet time I remember praying over the city on a mountain top overlooking the desert. I remember going shopping for an Indian wedding that night and buying a beautiful sari. I remember attending the wedding and eating so much food and admiring the bride's beautiful attire. I remember getting home late and I remember that I welcomed sleep, or a shallow version of sleep where I came in and out of waking and sleeping throughout the dark hours.
The next morning I woke up and I felt so weird. I could hardly get around. I was sweating my brains out. I had a temperature. "This can't be good." I thought. It was already so hot outside. I took a shower to try and cool off, then got dressed and went to breakfast. I tried to eat but couldn't hold any food in. I was allowed to stay back that day and the next and rest. Just so everyone knows, dehydration is the worst!
I finally felt good enough to go to an orphanage and play with the kids there. They were darling!! We told them Bible stories and played games with them. After a couple hours we left and went back again the next day. At our particular location we weren't allowed to street preach because it was too dangerous. So we spent a lot of time praying over the city, playing with the kids in the orphanage and ministering to the team at the base.
This location was by far the most difficult on my heart, my soul and my body but it was the place where I learned the most. It was the place where my love for the Lord grew deep and strong, though I was in the desert, I was drinking from the deepest of wells. I was growing strong in my faith, leaning on my beloved. I was falling in love, believing and knowing with all my heart and soul that it was all worth it. No matter how awful I felt, no matter how sick or tired I was, it was worth it.

All For One and One For... We Left Them...

The train station was loud, the sun was hot and the ground shook as the giant train came to a halt in front of us. It was time to board. We were all spread out in different seats throughout the train cars, we used the buddy system to stay safe. It was an AC sleeper car, it had fold down beds and curtains for privacy. I was thankful for the cool air and for the beds. There wasn't really much we could do on the train, we were all tired so we mostly just sat around and read, listened to music or napped. Though the first train ride was twelve hours, it went by like it was only two or maybe five, either way, it went by quickly. We had a layover in Mumbai where we stayed the night in a sketchy youth hostel. I was too tired to care what it looked, smelled or what the beds felt like, I went right to sleep when we got there.
The next morning we went adventuring. Mumbai was so beautiful. Tall, old buildings lined each street, people were everywhere, but the best part was right across the street from where we stayed... Starbucks!! It was a treat I thought I'd never see in India, and the most beautiful Starbucks I've ever been to. There were lovely little couches everywhere, tables, window seats with plush pillows, giant henna designs on the walls, and a giant world map to top it all off!

I sat down at that chair right under the map and there I had the most wonderful quiet time while I sipped my wonderful cup of coffee, it was so delightful. Later that day we had an awesome team time of prayer, worship and fellowship then killed time walking around the city. When night came, it was time to pack our bags but before we left, we had a family dinner at a nice little restaurant nearby. The food was so delicious. Our tummies were full, our hearts were content and our bags were packed, we were ready to board the next train. 

The next train was no different from the last, we slept most of the way to the next stop, it was smooth sailing and there really isn't a lot to say about this particular train ride. I thought it was just too good to be true. The traveling was so perfect. 

Our last layover was seven hours long. We didn't mind it all that much, we sat in an "air conditioned" room and watched movies and fought mosquitoes while we waited for the last train to arrive. This next train was different. It was a non AC sleeper car. Now, the difference between a non AC and an AC sleeper car is very big. The first is for lower caste and the second is for the upper caste or anyone who can afford it. The AC sleeper cars were full on this particular train so we went ahead and chose to travel on the non AC car thinking it wouldn't be all that bad. 

It came time to board our train, but it was in the middle of the tracks so we climbed over and through the other train cars to get to ours and we all sat in our designated seats (we were all together on this train) and we waited for everyone else to get on. The train started moving and stopped at the loading dock where people were waiting to get on. "We climbed through all those cars for nothing... All well," I thought "At least we beat the crowd!" Suddenly people started pouring on the train. It was a free for all, people were fighting for their seats, people were trying to get our seats... Wait what? People were trying to get OUR seats! We started to reason with the family who was trying to take our seats from us, thinking they were trying to trick us, we did not move, until we found out that when our tickets had been confirmed, our seating was changed! "Oh this is not happening...." I thought, panicked. "Get off the train, look at the seating chart and get to your seats!" yelled one of our team leaders. We all started to head towards the door when the train started moving. "AHH! I yelled, what are we doing?!" I was freaking out, so confused.... Our team was there, standing in a line in the middle of the tiny isle trying to find our seats... I was at the back of the line so I suppose I was scared I'd get left on the train but it didn't matter now because it was moving. "Micah, turn around and lead everyone to the next car!" I heard a team leader say, so I obeyed. A girl from my team, named Jessica S. (we had three Jessicas on our team) was by my side so I felt a little better, but still uneasy. I turned and walked towards the opposite side of the car, trying not to step on the people that were crowding the seats and floors. When Jess and I got to the place where the trains connected, we stopped. There were men sitting all over the floor, blocking the passage way. There were no guys from our team at our end of the line and there was no way to get one in front of us to lead us through... 

"What do we do?" I asked Jessica. 

"I don't know.. but look at that guy." She replied, motioning towards the hallway we had to pass through.

The man she was speaking of was tall and skinny. His hair was crazy like it hadn't been brushed in a few days. His eyes were dark, or maybe a light blue color but they were fixed directly on us, as if we were pieces of meat. I've never had a man look at me that way before, but it was terrifying. Then, he started to walk towards us. We began to pray. "Jesus, please protect us!" I mumbled under my breath. Then, the unthinkable happened, he took a sharp turn, walked towards the open car door and fell out of the train! 

Jessica and I screamed and burst into tears, he was holding on by one finger. 

"Jesus! I cannot see a person die today! God, help him!"

As scared of this man as I was, I did not wish him any harm, only that he would leave us alone! 

"Jesus please!!" I screamed through tears that were flooding my face. I was so scared that he would fall to his death. People were rushing the door, trying to get the man back into the train car. They finally got him in and secure when he fell out again, this time, his feet were near the tracks. 

"God!! Oh Jesus, help!! I can't see this man die, I can't see this man die!!" I sobbed over and over, I gripped Jessica's arm tightly. We sobbed and sobbed, hoping that it would all come to an end soon like a bad dream. We could not back up, our team was pressing against us tying to get us to move forward, unaware of what was going on. I covered my eyes as they tried to pull him up. Suddenly, a hand grabbed my Kurti and yanked on it, trying to get my attention. I turned around and a little old Indian lady and her family motioned for me to sit by them. 

"It's okay! Don't cry!" Said the man sitting next to her. I was astounded that he spoke English because the whole time we were at the last stop we couldn't find anyone who could speak English (which was very rare). 

My sobs got slower until they eventually ceased. Then, out of no where, came another man who could speak perfect English. He told us he knew where our seats were and to follow him.... So we did. He brought each of our team members to our seats, scattered throughout the train cars. When we were all in our seats, a couple of our team leaders came to check on us. I was in shock. I didn't know what was going on. I just sat there and tried not to cry. I looked up at them when they asked how I was. 

"We heard what happened, are you okay?" I slowly nodded... unsure of how I felt. I pushed my emotions deep down into my heart, trying not to feel them for the time being.

"Johnny, Jessica F. and Keltie were left at the train station. A couple of us are going back to get them at the next stop, just be praying that we can find them and that they're okay."

"Oh my gosh. Okay!" I said, worried about them, yet I had peace in my heart that they'd be okay. If anyone had to get left behind, they'd be the best people.

I prayed a simple prayer for them and I waited for the next stop. 

Eventually we arrived at the next train station. I looked out the window, searching the surroundings for something interesting to distract me from my thoughts. Suddenly, I saw somethings lime green dash by the window.. it was Johnny! 

"Johnny!!!!" Someone yelled!

Our whole team rushed to the other side of the train and yelled out for him to hear us. 

"Let me get the girls!" He yelled back.

How was he here?! What just happened?! 

"Ahh, thank you Jesus!!" I thought. It was truly a miracle. 

When they all got safely on the train we asked how they found us. 

"Some guy came up to us and put us in a taxi and told the driver where to go and now we're here!!" They said.

We couldn't believe it.

Sleep was finally hitting my eyes, everyone was there, everyone was safe. I moved to a bed near mamma and papa O, the married couple on our team, where I felt safe. There, I closed my eyes and didn't open them until the next morning as we arrived at our destination and it was time to get out of the train, at last. 

By the Ocean Blue

The next place we lived was a youth hostel about an hour away from our first location. It was in a bigger town, and closer to the ocean. I loved it there. It was amazing. At this particular location we did a lot of church and youth ministry!
One sunday we went to a church and we taught on being free from fear and passivity. It was so incredible to see the transformation that took place in the hearts of the people, they were discovering who they were as children of God! Each member of our team got to speak on something or lead a small group, so that was really amazing.
The conference at the church was so successful, we decided to do the same thing at the youth conference a few days later. God was showing up. We even performed the lifehouse Everything skit and it was so powerful, the youth loved it and were really able to relate to it. Jesus SO loves people. He loves them and that's it. It's who He is, it's what He does and nothing could ever change that. It was so amazing to be able to watch Him gently touch the hearts of youth right before my eyes and to see them transformed. He is good.
Now, India wasn't all ministry all the time, we did other things too. We loved to try and scare each other, we loved going out to eat at different places (I mostly ate fried rice everywhere we went, always a safe bet, so if you ever need to know which place has the best fried rice, I'm your girl!), we loved watching movies, and playing games. We just had fun at whatever we did. Well.. mostly.... Up until this point I hadn't gotten sick at all which was a major blessing, but one night... Oh one night I got really sick. I woke up in the middle of the night and was sick to my stomach. Now, I wasn't sure what was going on but all I knew was I needed a bathroom. I rant to the bathroom and right when I got there I threw up. Ugh I'm sorry if that's too much information, but it happened. It was so gross (just like any time anyone pukes)... and it went on all night and all the next day. All the girls on the team had made a pact that whenever someone was sick, we'd all help each other out. Well, my poor roommates stuck with me and held my hair back and rubbed my back and gave me wet wash cloths to put on my face. They were so sweet and amazing and loyal and they nursed me back to health.
After I was all better I went out on an adventure one day with another girl from my team and decided to cut my hair off. Now, I LOVED my hair. I had been growing it out for three and a half years and it was so long and so beautiful, but I wanted a haircut so I got one. I loved it (but regret it now). Just for the record, it was so much easier to take care of in India than long hair. It wasn't as heavy, it didn't make my neck hot, and it was so convenient not to have to brush the tangles out of it.

Finally, it was time to pack up and move again, this time, we were taking a three day train ride... Little did we know, chaos was about to strike.

India

We traveled a lot in India, all along the West coast (or West side.. ish). I couldn't believe how different everything was from America. EVERYTHING. Vehicles were all over the road, people where everywhere, there were little markets set up along the dirty, beaten paths and roads scattered around, the shops where jam packed, full of goods. I was in love.
We stayed at our first location a couple weeks. While we were there we did a lot of street ministry. Preaching, telling stories from the Bible, playing with children from the slums. We went into homes a few times a week and prayed with the residents. We prayed for healing. We prayed for strength. We prayed for God to show up, and He did. I can't quite explain all that happened but people were healed, they were strengthened, faith was abundant and God's spirit was with us! It was incredible. I had never felt so full in my life.
One night we were praying as a team before we went and showed a Jesus video in the slums. As we were praying something came over me, something I had never felt so strong in my life. Fear. It was like it was choking me, crushing me. I instantly began to sob, unsure of what was happening, scared... fearful. I crumbled to the floor terrified. My leaders brought me in to a nearby room and began to pray with me, instantly the fear left. I don't really know what happened or why but I do know that after that, I rebuked fear from keeping people from knowing Jesus and hearing the gospel that night and people were saved. A lot of people.
Now, if someone had told me that had happened to them before I went to YWAM, I wouldn't have believed them. But I promise you, it was one of the most real things I have ever felt. You see, many times, in other countries, spiritual warfare manifests in much more apparent and visible ways than it does in America. The gods they worship aren't the One True God but they are distractions set up to keep people from knowing Him and they are real. Real live spirits. Now, I'm not sure if I explained that in a way to help you understand or not, maybe I made it worse... Either way, I felt it and it was real.
Anyway, back to the story. So, Goa was hot and humid and it was so hard at times but "this is so worth it" I thought to myself. I was a little homesick that first week and a half but eventually I got used to it and started to embrace the culture. I loved washing my clothes by hand, I loved trying to like the food, I loved playing with the kids, I loved the freezing cold showers after a long hot day, I loved India! Life was good, but it came time for us to pack up and move on to the next location. So we did.

God, I Look to You

After about 24 hours of flying, I finally arrived in India. Before arriving at my final destination in Goa, I had a layover in the Mumbai airport. To get to my plane I had to take a bus. I remember stepping on to the bus, being scared of everyone around me. It was dark, musty and crowded. I knew not what was to come. Right when I was about to cry a song popped into my head and I started to sing to myself, "God I look to you, I wont be overwhelmed, give me vision, to see things like you do. God I look to you, you're where my help comes from. Give me wisdom, you know just what to do." and instantly, my heart felt peace. Three hours after arriving in Mumbai, I got off the plane in Goa and walked towards the outside of the tiny airport. The air was pregnant with moisture and full of strange smells. When my feet finally touched Indian soil, my heart felt content... but it also felt something else, worry. I didn't see anyone from my team... ANYWHERE. There weren't many people crowding the small doorway, and those who were, were not a part of my team. I decided that one of two options were possible,

1. They were running a little late or

2. I was somehow at the wrong airport.

I thought the second option was probably a little extreme, but since everything was in Hindi... 

"No way, that could never be possible... Could it?" I waited. Still, no team... Fifteen, minutes went by, I wasn't too worried. Thirty minutes went by, still, no team... Had no contact information, no address, no phone number, no internet... nothing. So I waited. Finally, after fourty-five minutes I heard a familiar voice call my name. I burst into tears. I saw a few of my sweet teammates running towards me. We embraced, crying, laughing, reunited at last.
After we were finished saying our hellos, we walked towards a crowded parking lot where our taxi driver was waiting. I loaded my bag into the car and we drove into the streets, swarming with people and vehicles. At first I thought I might die in a car crash before I even got to my new home but eventually, we made it. I walked into the kitchen where the rest of my team was waiting for my arrival, they all said big "Hellos!!!" and gave hugs generously.
After making sure I said hi to everyone, I made my bed, jumped in the shower and put on my clothes... It was time to go shopping!!
A few of us took a bus to the nearest town and we shopped till we dropped... or till I dropped. I wasn't used to the time change yet. I bought a few outfits, a water bottle, a mosquito net, and some fruit for a snack. I was scared to eat anything other than fruit for fear of tummy ache, besides, traveling took away my appetite. As soon as we got back to the house, I went to my bed and crashed at the late hour of 6:00 in the evening. After at least 10 years of dreaming, of imagining what it would be like to go to India, I had finally made it, I was finally there and all was well with my soul.