21 sparks of happiness

Twenty one… It's a good number to say the least. It is a number that I have grown fond of this year. It is the number that defines my age and it is the number that shall define many (twenty one to be exact) different choices which I make, daily to ensure my happiness.
Happiness, can be difficult to achieve. Many look at happiness as a mysterious and "just out of grasp" destination that can be attained through hard work, blood, sweat and tears; However, I tell you now, that is not true. Happiness can be found everywhere and at any time. It is not something that can be grasped. One might experience fleeting moments of happiness only if and when one chooses to do so. That's right, I said it. Happiness is a choice.
Life can be draining, pessimism may seep, slowly or swiftly into the veins of its unsuspecting victim, draining out the happiness that lies on the surface or deep within one's soul… This is why one must choose. Here are just a few ways I seek out happiness:

1. I choose to be happy about my life, there are those less fortunate.
2. I choose to be happy about school, there are too many who can't afford and education, I can.
3. I choose to find happiness in the air I breathe. It is clean, and that's a blessing.
4. I choose to find the good in people.
5. I choose to think about one task at a time.
6. I choose to be worry free. Nothings drains happiness like this one.
7. I choose to speak with kindness.
8. I choose to love others.
9. I choose to be thankful. A thankful heart is a happy heart.
10. I choose to press though the dark times, because there is always light.
11. I choose to hold on to moments, to make memories.
12. I choose to dream. Do not underestimate the power of dreams.
13. I choose to listen to music, and dance like a fool.
14. I choose to let go of things that are our of my control.
15. I choose to work hard and play hard.
16. I choose to see the world through the lens of the creator.
17. I choose to wake early (most days) and treasure the quiet moments morning coffee brings.
18. I choose to laugh loud and sing louder.
19. I choose to keep my chin up and my pessimism down.
20. I choose to write notes instead of texts
And finally...
21. I choose Jesus. He is my ultimate source of happiness, without Him, I am nothing. 

Miss Independent and Mistakes: A life of Surrender

For so long now I've wondered who I am. Who I really am, in the depths of my heart. I've recently moved out and have had to take on many new responsibilities. I started a new job, school and moved out of my parents' house all in the same week. Since then, I've been discovering things about myself... Discovering things, secrets, and information I never knew. I've been discovering, and these discoveries baffle me. Moving out is something I never thought I could do. I didn't believe I had what it took… And now that I have, I like it. I like who I am. Who I am becoming. I like this side of me. My time management has skyrocketed to a new extreme. I work, I do homework, I work, I sleep. The schedule is tight and so is my budget but I love it. Miss Independent. I like her.

I like her, but sometimes, I don't like her. I get tired. I get lazy. I get annoyed and irritated. I get upset when I do things that disappoint me, when I do things I know are not in my character. My imperfections rise to the top, like water, boiling over onto the stove, hissing in protest at the warmth of the heat which provoked it in the beginning. I take responsibility for my actions, I'm forced to own up to my immaturities, I'm forced to confront and address my issues head on. I am at a crossroads in my life. A crossroads with a choice, a hard choice at that. I much choose my path daily, and sometimes I make the wrong choice. Sometimes my flesh, constantly gnawing at my soul, takes me into its downward spiral, but always, Jesus pulls me back. I feel Him, always there, calling my name, patiently waiting for me to choose Him over myself… I don't always choose Him, though, and I hate it. Living in my flesh feels good, it feels right, I live there, in my flesh and I forget how sweet the taste of His love is. I forget His sweetness. I forget the overwhelming joy and the tenderness of His embrace. Why do I forget? HOW could I forget? Why must I go through this cycle? I've heard the phrase, "live in full surrender to God" and I've always wondered what it meant… To live in full surrender. I've come to the conclusion that choosing Him, over myself, over my flesh, over that little downfall that always nags, choosing HIM over that… THAT'S what means the world to Him. That's a life lived in surrender. Learning. Always learning. Learning to live in surrender, to make hard choices, to confront, to grow… Learning to be my full self, learning to give myself to Him. Learning who I am, becoming who I want to be, by living in the sweetness of surrender. Sometimes it's a train wreck, but it's always beautiful, beautiful because I'm learning.
Learning takes time, it takes seasons and it takes baby steps. It's a process I must embrace. Embrace the good and the bad. Expect both and strive for better. I, Miss Independent, will make mistakes, but mistakes are lessons, and lessons are learning opportunities, which, then, become my lifestyle, and therefore a part of who I am and who I become. It's all new but it's all good. I'm becoming who I will be when eyes are on me, and when they are not. 

The Cycle

My life is a cycle, from which I am constantly learning and which I am constantly living. Sometimes it's different and sometimes the same. 

I fail.

I mess up.

I get angry.

I make mistakes.

I act like a two year old.

I throw fits.

I throw parties.

Pity parties…

You don't want to see those.

I get tired.

I get lazy.

I get in moods.

Cleaning moods.

Sad moods.

Eating moods.

The kind where I eat five popsicles in a row.

Then I feel sick.

And do it again.

Sassy moods.

Depressed moods.

Happy moods.

Sleepy moods.

I procrastinate.

I get stuff done.

I think about cooking for myself.

Then realize it's not worth it.

So I make a sandwich.

Which are always so good.

Then I work.

And work some more.

Then my feet hurt.

Then I crash on my couch.

Then I wake up with blanket indents on my face.

Sometimes slobber.

I know you wanted to know that.

And then I start all over again. 

The cycle.

Yet after all of this, at the end of my day, I'm grateful for everything that happened, good or bad. Why? Because I learn from everything and because my circumstances and reactions make me realize how imperfect I am. When I see my imperfections, I fall more in Love with He who doesn't see them. I realize new depths of His love. I realize my identity in Him. I see who HE is and who I am in Him. The cycle can only grow me, it cannot break me. It cannot define who I am but my reactions to it define who I will become. The important thing is that I learn, and stretch and embrace every opportunity to do so… And that through everything, at the end of the day, I realize He's still there, leading and walking with me.

The Eye of the Beholder: Ashley

This is Ashley.

Ashley is 21 years old.
She is a hairstylist (and quite talented).
She is also my roommate and one of my best friends.

Here are a few questions from my interview with Ashley:

1. What is your biggest insecurity? "My biggest insecurity is my smile."

2. What is the number one thing that triggers self-awareness about your smile? "When I see pictures of myself close up, I realize that my smile is slightly crooked on the right side because of abnormal jaw growth."

3. What are some hurtful things people have said about your smile? ""Why is your smile crooked?" or "Why does your jaw make that funny sound when you open and close it?" both hurt."

4. How have you or are you overcoming your insecurity? "Over time, I've realized that I am beautiful no matter what, and honestly I'm my own worst critic and enemy sometimes. When I view myself in a positive light, I start to love myself more."

5. What advise would you give other girls about embracing and overcoming their insecurities? "The advise I would give to other girls about ANY type of insecurity is this- If you recognize that you have an insecurity, you've already taken the first step to overcome it, and you're already a stronger person. From there, you start the healing process. God made you EXACTLY how he wanted you to be. Have JOY through it and don't let it affect you in a negative way. Be bold, courageous and full of life! The enemy can't get you down, God is bigger!"

Overcoming insecurity is all about loving your body just the way it is. In reality, there is no real standard to beauty when it comes to your physical looks, but your OWN. Like Ashley said, be bold, be courageous and be full of life! OWN the skin you're in, love your body, and become a better woman because of it.

The Eye Of The Beholder

The following post and posts to come are not compositions on "how women need to embrace their bodies" even though that is true. They are not writings and ramblings about how magazines constantly scream "if you don't look like this you are not beautiful" even though that is also true. No, they are blog posts about a real issue that has been on my heart for a long time. They're about a real struggle that takes place in every woman's heart. They're about beauty and they're about the lie that beauty has become.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

This is a saying, I'm sure, most of the world has heard at one point or another. It suggests that some things may not be beautiful to some people but to others, those things are breathtaking. Beauty is something that has withstood the test of time. It's actually been around since before time began, and I believe that it has been distorted and twisted to only pertain to certain things… or even certain people. 

Now, as a woman, I, like every other woman on the planet, desire to be beautiful because it is in my nature. It is the cry of my little heart to be called breathtaking, lovely, and beautiful… To have someone look at me and tell me, "you're a treasure."
Sadly, we live in a world that teaches "only SOME women are beautiful." The world teaches young girls that to be beautiful they must look, act, talk, and dress a certain way and if they don't, no one will like them. This is a devastating blow to the emotional and mental wellbeing of a woman. Why? Because beauty is what women were created for.
About a month ago I was at a women's conference and door prizes were being given between sessions. There was a photographer taking pictures of all the winners, asking them to smile and show off their prize. One woman won a prize and asked that her picture not be taken. Now, this could mean two things. One, it could mean that she had an irrational fear of cameras, or two, that she did not think she was beautiful enough to be captured on camera. Insecurity, either way.
Insecurity is, I'm convinced, the Enemy's biggest weapon against women. Every woman has insecurities that constantly pull and nag at hear heart and mind. Recent phrases I've heard women say are as follows:

"I'm so fat.""My hair is so gross."

"I do NOT look good without makeup."

"I hate my legs."

"I hate my hands, they're so fat."

*someone takes a picture* "EW!! Retake that!! I look so awful."

"I wish I was taller."

"I wish I was skinnier."

"I wish I had more muscle."

"My boobs are too small."

"My boobs are too big."

"I wish I was as pretty as her."

The list is endless. Some of my own thoughts have been:

"I wish I was as cool as her."

"She is stunning, I wish I looked more like her."

"My shoulders are too wide."

"My eyes are too small."

"I need to be more tan."

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe I used to look like that."

Here are just a few statistics I've found on body image:

"About 15% of Young women develop disorderly eating habits."-Hesse-Biber 2006

"Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media."- Palmer, Mario. "5 Facts About Body Image." 

"In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future. The statistics remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status, and race."-ASAPS: The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery.

Beauty, distorted. Beauty, criticized. Beauty, torn apart. Beauty, destroyed.

HOW DEVASTATING. It breaks my heart to hear these things. I used to catch myself ALL the time thinking these thoughts and finally I decided to put it to a screeching halt.
ENOUGH is ENOUGH.
Your body is the only thing you will have your entire life. YOU ARE STUCK WITH YOUR BODY. WHY would you choose to LET yourself hate it. I've found that the more I talk bad about something I dislike, the more I dislike it. Not too long ago I was talking with the Lord about this very issue and He told me something I will never forget. "I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. When you bad mouth your body, you're bad mouthing my handiwork." The eye of the beholder. And I began to change the way I think. I began to pray "God, help me see how beautiful your creation is, not only in myself but in others". Now, when I hear women, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PART OF CREATION, bad talk themselves, my heart breaks because that might be the very thing that God most loves about the way he created them.
Ladies, I know that insecurity can constantly linger in the back of your mind. I know the battle, it's so easy to stop fighting those thoughts and give in… But there is nothing more unattractive than a woman who thinks she is unattractive. Enough is enough. Can you stop badmouthing your body and view it a new way? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your eyes. Your body is beautiful. The way you look is so beautiful. Special. Without flaw. Perfect.
I don't care what shape or size you are, because the truth is, that it doesn't matter. You don't have to be a certain way to be beautiful. In the posts to come I will interview five girls about their biggest insecurity, and how they have or haven't overcome it. It's time to take a stand, because the best thing about insecurity is that you CHOOSE it. So, will you choose it, or will you choose to let go, and embrace true beauty.

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”-Steve Maraboli. "Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience"

49ers and 50 Footers

For a long time now I've been growing older, everyday of my life actually. And as I get older, I realize that I don't actually feel my age. I've felt 18 for the past three years (well almost three). When people ask how old I am I look back at them and say "I'm 20" and can hardly believe my speech. As I approach 21, I realize I am no where close to where I thought I'd be at this age. Though 21 is still quite young, I'm becoming more and more aware of the passings of time. Precious time. This realization lead me to reflecting on my life while looking through old pictures, earlier today. I'm quite pleased with life thus far but also looking forward to my newly found dreams. As I reminisced, I came across this photo:

This is a photo of my mom jumping off a 50 foot cliff at the age of 49. She's awesome. I wasn't going to jump off this cliff but when she did, I thought, "this will look really bad if my 49 year old mother jumps off and I don't…" So I held my breath and jumped. Seconds later, I thought I broke my legs, but it was worth it. Anyway, I saw this photo and at first glance I thought, 

"That was a fun trip. What a dream." 

Then I heard a voice say, "She has dreams just like you, Micah."

My mom has always wanted to go to Hawaii, and she finally got to go… God really does care about our dreams. And when I realized this (for the millionth time because I keep forgetting) I wanted to cry. Not out of sadness or guilt, but because I got to see my mom fulfill one of her dreams. I'm sure I've seen it before but this one, we shared. Cliff jumping, island exploring, mountain climbing, waterfall swimming… Nothing but pure, blissful dreams coming true and turning into memories that we get to share forever.

Love you mom. 

Learning to Dream

This heart of mine is a weary mess of love and feelings and hurts and pains… Sometimes pains so deep they can only be thought of, not felt. But it is also a mess of joy and laughter and thoughts that soar through the oblivion of my imagination. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. The kind of thinking that is a tangled, jumbled mess in your brain. The kind that you can't pinpoint exactly where it is coming from.
As of late I have been feeling this ache, this burning sensation deep within my soul. An anxious desire to go, be, do, live… I could not put a name on these feelings and thoughts because I had let myself forget them and at last, I have discovered, I have pinpointed, what it is I have been experiencing. Dreams. I remember sitting in a local coffee shop with a friend a few months ago and literally asking her, "What are dreams?". I could not, for the life of me, think of one dream I had, so she prayed with me for God to awaken the dreams within my heart and at last, they are bubbling to the surface.
Dreams. Burning, raging, wild, bold dreams, coming to vibrant and colorful life in my heart, bursting forth from my soul and into my mind. At last I am learning, once again, what it means to dream. Some are silly desires of my girlish heart and some are like mountains that seem only achievable with Devine help… But still, they are dreams, and they are wonderful. Blissful. Breathtaking. Bright. Brave. Beautiful. Dreams. And I'm ready to live them.