Dew

As I sit here and sip my coffee and eat my small fried cake of sweetened dough (a doughnut), I look outside and study my surroundings. I see the trees stretching to grasp the light that softly shines down on them as it makes its way to the top of the sky, only to, eventually, sink back down… I see the shadows of limbs and leaves dance across the freshly cut grass… I see twinkles of dew drops sparkle and shine, as glimpses of the morning sun hit them and bring my eye's attention to their existence… Dew. How I love dew. I don't know why, but there is something about it that makes me just wonder at the love of the Creator… It falls in the night and comes to a resting place on the ground below, coating the earth with a heavy blanket of moisture, reviving and restoring the thirsty crust and all that grows out of it's dust. It's the call, the beaconing of a new day, a new adventure, a new moment where I can keep existing and breathing the air that I let fill my lungs and bring me to the life that waits to be lived.
Dew. It reminds me, somehow, of the moment when I began to fall in love with Jesus, of the moment when he picked up my broken heart, and he held it in His hands. It brings me back to that moment where He looked at me with His eyes and He took my heart and He kissed it… and suddenly, I was whole. Revived. Restored. My heart was whole like it had never been broken.
Fragile and frail is the human heart. Broken by a single word, wounded by a mere thought, hardly holding itself together… Yet He died for mine and for yours. His blood spilling from His beaten and battered body, He died thinking of the love that would come from my weak and unworthy heart. He died willingly, and rose faithfully that He might have that love forever. Like dew, His spirit rests on me each morning, beaconing my soul to awake and to love. To rise up and love the love that first loved me.

It's Hard to Say

It's hard to say exactly what goes through your mind when returning from such a life-changing adventure. It's also hard to adjust to normal life, to relate to people and to really continue living out the change that happened deep beneath your skin, in the depths of your soul. Just as I left everything I knew to go to YWAM, I also left everything I had come to know when returning from YWAM. There were aches in my heart that could never be replaced. Bitterness had many opportunities to sink in to my heart, and I let it. I jumped right in to work when I got home (literally three days after I returned), and I continued to work until February. During those months, I did a lot of soul searching. I processed, thought over, and studied my heart and my thoughts. What was I feeling? I didn't know, so I held it all in until, finally, I broke down in late January after a time of depression and let it all out. I admitted that I felt like I had no purpose, that I was just drifting through my meaningless life. Life… My life… what was I doing with it?
It takes time to get back into the swing of normal life, to process your feelings and emotions, to become okay with yourself again. You go though withdrawals and you go through wondrous times of reminiscing and finally you come to terms with your new reality. It also takes time to become adjusted to full time life and part time missions. After being a missionary full time for 3-6 months you develop this mind set (some people do and some don't) of "If I'm not doing mission work God isn't pleased with me." I was one of the "do" people. I thought God would be disappointed in me because I wasn't doing works when I got home. Now, not to say you shouldn't evangelize at all but I began to develop the mind set that if I didn't, God wouldn't love me as much. Which is a complete lie. Jesus loves the full time missionary just as much as He loves the full time mom or the full time business person, but my mind went back to thinking I could earn God's love. Old habits I guess. But as time went on I began to learn more and more about grace.
True grace, the grace that saved me says, "There is nothing you can do to earn my love, I just give it to you because I'm good and because it's who I am." If there was nothing you could do to gain complete righteousness before Christ, would there not be a negative continuum of nothing to be done after his death? Nothing, except to just accept Him and let Him make you worthy and let Him make you whole. Christ's death and resurrection was final. There was nothing anyone could do to gain God's approval, to make themselves Holy and blameless… NOTHING, so Jesus fixed that problem eternally. All I had to do was accept Him, just accept Him… and I had forgotten, but that moment when I remembered, was the most freeing moment I had had in a long time.

A Blur

I could write and tell you about debrief and my last week in Kona but to tell you the truth it's all a blur in my mind. It all came and went so fast… It was like I blinked and six months was over, six months of denying that it would eventually come to a screeching halt, that I would hit the wall of reality and that I would have to face the truth… My dream would eventually come to an end. It was over and I didn't know what to do.
So, here it is, my best shot at relating to you my last couple weeks… long and possibly confusing… The last of my adventures in Kona, and India, for now at least. Though this final post about my adventures may seem like random thoughts, ramblings and senseless words, it means the world to me because it is truly how I felt… So confused with my feelings and thoughts. It's almost been a year since returning form these adventures. I suppose it's taken me this long to finish writing about it all because it was a way of holding on and not letting go. After I finish writing this, memories are the only thing I have left of that dream, that blissful, challenging, wonderful dream of an adventure. I'm a little sad that I'm done blogging about Kona and India, but mostly thankful and happy that I even got such an opportunity. So, please, forgive my words, push past my scatter-brained thoughts and read into my heart, for that is what you're seeing. This is the very last of what I have to say about my world-traveling adventures then I will continue to write about my more recent endeavors. So, hold on, here it goes.

After we boarded our last flight in South Korea, my mind went in to a dream world. Reality seemed like a fantasy. We eventually arrived in Kona, were assigned rooms and attend the debrief sessions. Each day I was there I walked around the base, my glazed eyes looking around, soaking in all the beauty surrounding me, thinking back on my last moments in India. A day or so in, my team decided to go to the pier and hang at the beach, I went with them, not wanting to part from them until I absolutely had to. I set up my towel and things on the soft, fine sand and drifted off in to the ocean that is my memory… Bright lights flooded and filled my vision. My mind took me back to debrief week. I was sitting on a bed, talking to some girls from my team and one of my leaders. We had just spent a day at the spa. We were sitting there, talking, looking so full and happy… But I looked at myself and saw confusion in my heart… I didn't want to leave this land that I loved, this land my heart had been waiting to grow close to for so many years… yet I couldn't wait to see my friends and family once again… The memory was lingering in my mind, my attention fully focused on every detail, trying to hold on to the only thing I had left of India… Tiny sand specks fell across my skin, I snapped back in to reality. I looked up and saw Megan picking up her towel and gathering her things.

"You ready?" She asked.

"Heck yeah!!" I replied as I sat up and began to pack my beach gear into my little bag.

We walked at a steady pace along the sidewalks of Kona town, occasionally walking along the lava rock walls, feeling the spray of the ocean waves crashing against the sturdy barriers. After a few minutes we finally arrived at our destination… Determined, nervous and excited we stepped into the shiny, clean shop.

"How can I help you?" A voice asked.
"We want to get our noses pierced." Megan said with a smile. I looked at her and beamed, "I'm so nervous!!"

After picking our studs, waiting for some other friends to arrive and mentally preparing ourselves, we were ready. I went first, then Megan. It was the craziest thing I had ever done, but it was so fun and spontaneous. Everyone loved our nose rings and we did too. That evening us girls packed, and talked… I died my hair a dark brown color… Light flooded into my brain once more… This time I was in a rickshaw, speeding down the crowded lanes, having a great time with two of my teammates, we were on our way back from a team dinner, we laughed… I grabbed the bottom of my sari, saving it from being torn to shreds my the harsh pavement and gravel below… I snap back into the present. The girls were all talking about what we would wear on graduation night, I smiled and suggested that we should wear our saris, a few of the other girls agreed and finally we all decided that we would!
The next few days were spent soaking in precious time with precious friends. Finally, the end arrived. Bags were packed and everyone was getting ready for graduation.

(Photo cred goes to Ridiqiulas Photography)

When the time came we all went to the big white tent on the far side of the base. We sat and rose when our names were called and cried and sat and clapped for other teams and rose and it was over. 

Finally, like a blow to the head, Reality sank into my soul and I accepted it. It was over.

That night I gave many hugs, to my dearest friends and cried tears of joy for the wonderful time had and tears of sadness for not knowing when we would ever see each other again and went to sleep.

The next morning I woke early, said my last goodbyes, gathered my things, got on the shuttle and set out with friends to explore Kauai. When we arrived, we dropped our bags off at a friend's house, took our backpacks and set out to explore. The warm island air caressed my skin as it blew in from the rolled down window in the car. I slowly drifted in and out of sleep, about an hour passed and we were dropped off at the mouth of a trail. The hike was 12 miles if I remember correctly. Six in and six out. We hiked in, it was a tough hike, my backpack was full and I was very out of shape… Light flooded into my memory yet again, I saw dust on my sandals. I was walking to the youth hostel... One of the guys graciously offered to carry my backpack for me, I snapped back into reality… I agreed and thanked him. Six miles later, we reached the waterfall at the far end of the valley we hiked in to, took a swim and hiked three miles back to the beach we spent the night on. We played with glow sticks, admired the stars, built a fire and got in our hammocks and sleeping bags and went to sleep. The next morning we woke up and hiked three miles back to the road, took a swim in the ocean, and walked/hitchhiked all the way back to the friend's house where we ate a wonderful home cooked dinner (our first one in months) and slept on real beds. Our hosts were so sweet. They gave each of us a gift of chocolate and jewelry and woke up early to take each of us to our flights.
It was my turn to fly out… I thanked our hostess again and again and said goodbye and went through security. I went through security and boarded the plane. Light, again… I looked out the window and remembered flying by myself to India… It seemed like a dream. I let my mind wander and process and about ten hours later, I was in Texas. My mom and sister picked me up from the dallas airport. We took a nap (I arrived at 5am), then check out of their hotel, and went shopping and talked and laughed and drove home. And it was over. It was over and I wasn't ready for it, but my heart was full and the next chapter in my life was a blank page, waiting to be written on… Would I be ready?