For so long now I've wondered who I am. Who I really am, in the depths of my heart. I've recently moved out and have had to take on many new responsibilities. I started a new job, school and moved out of my parents' house all in the same week. Since then, I've been discovering things about myself... Discovering things, secrets, and information I never knew. I've been discovering, and these discoveries baffle me. Moving out is something I never thought I could do. I didn't believe I had what it took… And now that I have, I like it. I like who I am. Who I am becoming. I like this side of me. My time management has skyrocketed to a new extreme. I work, I do homework, I work, I sleep. The schedule is tight and so is my budget but I love it. Miss Independent. I like her.
I like her, but sometimes, I don't like her. I get tired. I get lazy. I get annoyed and irritated. I get upset when I do things that disappoint me, when I do things I know are not in my character. My imperfections rise to the top, like water, boiling over onto the stove, hissing in protest at the warmth of the heat which provoked it in the beginning. I take responsibility for my actions, I'm forced to own up to my immaturities, I'm forced to confront and address my issues head on. I am at a crossroads in my life. A crossroads with a choice, a hard choice at that. I much choose my path daily, and sometimes I make the wrong choice. Sometimes my flesh, constantly gnawing at my soul, takes me into its downward spiral, but always, Jesus pulls me back. I feel Him, always there, calling my name, patiently waiting for me to choose Him over myself… I don't always choose Him, though, and I hate it. Living in my flesh feels good, it feels right, I live there, in my flesh and I forget how sweet the taste of His love is. I forget His sweetness. I forget the overwhelming joy and the tenderness of His embrace. Why do I forget? HOW could I forget? Why must I go through this cycle? I've heard the phrase, "live in full surrender to God" and I've always wondered what it meant… To live in full surrender. I've come to the conclusion that choosing Him, over myself, over my flesh, over that little downfall that always nags, choosing HIM over that… THAT'S what means the world to Him. That's a life lived in surrender. Learning. Always learning. Learning to live in surrender, to make hard choices, to confront, to grow… Learning to be my full self, learning to give myself to Him. Learning who I am, becoming who I want to be, by living in the sweetness of surrender. Sometimes it's a train wreck, but it's always beautiful, beautiful because I'm learning.
Learning takes time, it takes seasons and it takes baby steps. It's a process I must embrace. Embrace the good and the bad. Expect both and strive for better. I, Miss Independent, will make mistakes, but mistakes are lessons, and lessons are learning opportunities, which, then, become my lifestyle, and therefore a part of who I am and who I become. It's all new but it's all good. I'm becoming who I will be when eyes are on me, and when they are not.
