MICAH?!

When my plane landed in Oklahoma I ran to the luggage claim, grabbed my stuff and ran outside, frantically looking for my ride home. There, off to the right was a little red Chrysler Sebring with a not so little, middle aged man sitting and waiting anxiously for his daughter to arrive. "DADDY!" I yelled, tears filling my eyes. He got out of the car and greeted me with a hug! Oh how I had missed my dad (I'm a total daddy's girl). We were both still crying tears of joy when we finally got into the car and drove away. We made small talk for a while but then started to talk business, "I've been telling the kids that I'm at the cardiologist's office in Hawaii, have you and mom figured out the details of the surprise yet?" I asked, listening to his reply... "Perfect" I said and waited to arrive at the restaurant.
When my dad and I arrived at my mom's favorite restaurant, I got into position and waited for my mom to come in with my siblings. I could hardly contain myself, I hadn't seen them in about three months and there they were right before my eyes. Cameras rolling, my mom began to recite the script. "Call Micah, she has to be done with her doctor's appointment by now" she said. "Mom, she isn't answering." My sister tried to reason with my mom, explaining that I was probably still in the appointment. My mom became restless, "Well, call her back!" she said. "Mom, it's fine, she'll call us when she is done." My sister insisted. "Oh my gosh guys, doesn't that girl look like Micah?" My mom pointed at me (my back was turned to them). "Yeah, she kind of does mom, but Micah is in Hawaii remember?" My siblings were getting embarrassed by now, but it really pushed them over the edge when she yelled "MICAH?!" My sisters sank lower in their seats, my brother jumped over the table in a frantic attempt to calm my mom down from what they all thought was an emotional break down. "Mom, you're going insane!" they told her, but their eyes grew wide when they heard me say "Yes?" They all whipped around and ran towards me, "Why are you here?!" They cried. Oh it was the sweetest moment. My family, all together again.
The week and a half that I was home was filled with lots of doctor's appointments and lots of family time. But, in the midst of everything going on around me I was still questioning God. "Why am I back here?" As we waited for the test results, I made use of my time and mailed the few "Thank You Notes" and update letters that I had put off mailing. I also had the wonderful pleasure of surprising a dear friend who had just had her first baby. I was SO happy that I got to be there for her, even if it was only for a short time.
The results from the hospital finally came back and the doctors said all was well enough and that I should be good to go. They had found arsenic in my blood (still have no idea where it came from) but the levels were low and they said it "would work itself out of the body".
When I got the green light to go to India I began packing my bags. I packed in one backpack and one carry on. One of them was all food and vitamins, which came in handy, the other was my passport, blankets, camera and shoes. I was going to wear one outfit there and I had one more shirt to change into if needed. I had planned on buying Indian clothes upon arrival.
At last it was time to say goodbye to my family again. I thought goodbye would be easier the second time, but it wasn't... Especially since it was a 4am flight and they were asleep when I departed. Four AM was rough, but I was off to a place where my heart had longed to go since childhood, and I could hardly take it in.

Preach it and Pray...

Week eight was Brian Brent again. He was speaking on the gospel message. I thought it would be the same thing again but it wasn't. Although we were practicing preaching the gospel, my heart began to believe it even more when the words came out of my mouth.
The gospel is a powerful thing and when you hear yourself preach the gospel, it is even more powerful because it's coming from your own lips. Every day that week we renewed and strengthened our belief in Jesus. HE IS REAL. We broke off every last bit of fear and passivity. WE ARE FREE.
As we started to prepare for war we began to realize that outreach was coming up, we would leave in only a couple of weeks... It was becoming reality and none of us could believe it.
Week nine David Gava spoke to and encouraged our school. He prophesied over our teams and built us up. It was amazing and the Holy Spirit was so encouraging us and lifting our hearts up!
The two weeks following David Gava were good. We were getting antsy and were very ready to leave. I was so ready to go to India. My heart was practically already there.... But my heart also hurt, more than normal actually... my lungs were hurting too and I was very dizzy and nauseous often. I finally decided to see the campus doctor and just get my ears checked (I still thought there still might be fluid in there). So during prayer room that day I got permission to go see the doctor. I told them what was happening and also told them it was probably just the fluid. The doctor did all the normal check up things, he checked in my ears, shined that annoying little light into my eyes, and listened to my heart.... and kept listening... and called another doctor in to listen... and listen some more... and exchange frightened glances... and listen some more... I began to get worried and asked, "Uhmm, is something wrong?" the doctor looked at me and said "You have a very loud and violent heart murmur and I cannot give you clearance to leave for India until you get it check out by a cardiologist."..... "What?" I looked at him blankly as he explained some things further but I could hardly hear him over my thoughts. "WHAT?" I thought. I exited the doctor's office and walked up to where my leaders were. Everyone was just getting out of the prayer room. I didn't want to see anyone, I was searching for my leaders, trying not to cry.... Finally I found one of them and she asked me how everything went. I broke down, crying in heavy sobs, I couldn't stand and melted to the ground in a puddle of tears. I explained everything to her and my other leaders as they gathered. I called my mom who immediately had a conference call with my doctor from home and the doctor on campus. They called me back after they discussed everything and decided it was best for me to come home. My world ended when I heard those words. I didn't understand what was happening.
The next few hours of my day were spent packing, praying and hanging with my roomies. The next day was saturday and I was determined to have fun. It was the "Love Feast" where we would all dress to the nines and enjoy a delicious dinner!
Saturday finally arrived and my roomies and I got ready. After we were all dressed and prettied I went to take pictures with my team and we all had a fun night of feasting and fellowship. At the end of the night I told my team the news and they prayed over me. For the first time that weekend I felt peace.
The next day I was taken to the air port and about 12 hours later I arrived in Oklahoma... "Alright God..." I thought, "You're still good and I still trust you!"

Rejection, Forgiveness and Words of Life

Rejection. It was something I was and am very familiar with. I've struggled with it since I was a little girl, only six years old... and I let it stay with me until I finally had enough of it. Though sometimes I still struggle with thoughts of rejection, I now, immediately rebuke it and go on living, not giving the negativity another thought. Now I know the truth, but I didn't until I did one of the hardest things I've ever done, I confessed to my whole team that I was feeling rejected by them.
Now, I say this and maybe you're thinking, "Why would she had felt that?!" Well, I'll tell you why, because the enemy was feeding me lies about myself and I was listening to him! I sat down with two of my leaders and told them I was feeling rejected. They immediately told me to tell them about it, knowing that it was healthy for me to talk it out, and boy did I talk. I went fourteen years back. I cried and cried, my heart was still hurt over several little and big things that had happened to me over my life. After I was finally done ranting, my leaders lead me in a prayer of repentance and forgiveness.
Forgiving someone is hard to do. When you forgive someone you're saying "I am taking all offenses I have held against you, out of my heart, and I'm putting them at the feet of the cross, NEVER to be brought up or looked at again." Forgiving someone is one of the most wonderful and freeing things you will ever do in your life. That day, I forgave a lot of people. People I never thought I needed to forgive, people I had forgotten about. I forgave them all and let them go forever.
After we prayed my leaders suggested I tell my team about the way I had been feeling and suggested I share the testimony on how I was freed from rejection, I agreed. There I stood, in front of all of my team members, there were nineteen of us. I stood there and when I was ready, I stepped forward and shared about what had happened that day. After I shared, something very unexpected happened. I heard "Micah, come stand in the middle, we want to encourage you. We want you to know that we would never want you to feel that way because we love you." and I didn't know what to think. I started to tear up... I slowly made my way to the middle of my team, they all surrounded me... Nineteen of the most wonderful, loving, kindhearted people I had ever met. When I made it to the middle of our little (ish) circle each person on my team looked me straight in the eye and told me how I was a blessing to them, or what they liked about me. I began to cry because no one had ever said any of those things to me. I cried because I knew that these people were my true friends and they would never do anything to hurt me. I cried because finally, my heart was free of the bondage that rejection brought me and I could move on with my life never worrying about what others thought about me.... I cried because life was being spoken to my heart and to my soul.

The Week of February 25th Part 2

Thursday February 28th, 2013 was another eventful day in my life. It was the day my mom arrived in Kona to visit me! It was the very slowest day of my entire life but when the moment to pick her up from the airport finally arrived, time seemed to fly by. She was coming with a close family friend who had two sons (Matthew and David) in my same DTS. It all worked out splendidly and we all planned to tour the whole island that weekend.
Matt, David and I arrived at the airport and waited for our moms to arrive. I was looking around for them when I heard "MICAH!" I whirled around and there was my momma, running towards me, we collided in a huge hug, both crying, hardly believing she was actually there. That weekend was one of the most eventful weekends of my entire life. We explored almost every inch of that island and made some memories I will never forget. We jumped off the southern most point of the United States, swam with huge schools of fish, gazed at thousands of stars hovering over the mouth of an active and glowing volcano, climbed the heights of beautiful banyan trees, ate at an awesome 50s style cafe and looked over the 200 foot edge of Rainbow Falls. We all felt like we were in Jurassic Park when we hiked Waipio Valley, through a river, over boulders and all the way back to a glorious and towering waterfall... Well half of the time, the other half I felt like I was going to die when we hiked down and back up the steepest road in America and possibly the world.. But, at the end, when it was all said and done, we had more than a few sore muscles, a couple memorable "battle scars" and and abundance of laughs. To top off their visit our moms made a delicious trash can dinner for Team India and Team LA at the gypsy farm where they stayed which was an incredible night of fun, fellowship and worship.
To my dismay, the time came for my mom to leave, we said a difficult and teary goodbye... not knowing that in just a few weeks I would be returning home.

The Week of February 25th Part 1

Oh the fateful day of February 25th, 2013. It was the week Adam Cox came to speak on the life of Christ. Never have I heard someone describe Jesus' life and ministry in such amazing detail with such a deep understanding of His love. It was only his first day to speak and we were all wrecked by the love of Jesus, by the realization of just how much He LOVED (loves) us!! But that wasn't the only thing that wrecked our hearts that day, we also received news that one of our Team India leaders had gotten in a bad moped accident that day. She was in the hospital with many broken bones, we all began to pray and continued to pray all day. The doctors rushed her in for surgery but by the time she got there, all the broken bones were healed and she just needed the gashes in her leg to be stitched up. It was a miracle. We were all rejoicing and praising Jesus for her healing! 
Though there we no more broken bones, she could no longer go on outreach with our team because she had to have physical therapy due to the trauma her body had experienced. When I got this news my heart broke. She was one of the first people I met when I first arrived at DTS, she was my bud... "God!" I thought "WHY?" I found her in the prayer room later that week, I went with a few other girls from my team and we all just sat down by her are cried our eyes out. I could hardly look at her, my heart hurt so bad.
Though we were all upset about the accident, the week went on, we continued to be blown away by the words Adam spoke about our Savior. I was falling in love. I was falling in love with Jesus in ways I had never thought were possible. "What comes into your mind when you first think about God is the most important thing about you because it defines your identity." Now, let me stop my story right here and give you a little side note. 

*There are many people who have a tainted view of who God is. They have a warped view of God thanks to the world and to the enemy. I was one of those people not too long ago. You see, when someone gets hurt in this life or something bad happens to them, they somehow automatically think that God wanted it or God caused it... When the truth is that it hurt Jesus just as much as it hurt the person. He LOVES you. HE LOVES YOU A LOT. And when we get distracted by the lies of the enemy, lies like "God wanted that to happen to you" then it becomes so easy to look past the truth (Jesus would NEVER want something bad to happen to you) and believe the lies. In short, when we believe lies about God, we distance ourself from God because we stop believing that He is good and start believing that He isn't.... Which is exactly where Satan wants us to be. Satan's worst fear is that we will find out who we are in Christ, and become it.

Anyway, that statement struck me, it struck me because I had SO fallen into the trap of believing falsehoods about God. I had believed that He didn't want me when the truth was I was all He ever wanted. YOU are ALL HE EVER WANTED. "Jesus says 'I have loved you more that you love yourself. YOU are no longer the standard for love, I AM!'"-Adam Cox. God loved us so much that HE DIED for US so that He could live in us... "God Hated the distance, can you get any closer than IN?"-Adam. I sobbed and sobbed... Thankful for the love of a King, who died for me... because He couldn't stand the thought of living without me. 

Rest it off and Rethink the Deep Stuff

The seventh week was the week we learned about other worldviews and dove deeper into our own. It was a difficult week for me because I like to think deep (you may not guess this at first glance but yes, I do) but it was hard for me at the same time to think deeper and reevaluate what I knew and why I believed it all. I love to think about different dividing issues and I love deep theological discussion so naturally, I loved week seven... Though I had already heard and made up my mind about a lot of it, it was still good to rehear and rethink everything because it had been such a long time since I had done that.
Class was mostly all I participated in that week... I tried my best to sit through the lectures and take part in the other activities but some of the days I couldn't. I began to feel more sick than normal. I was used to a day or two of nausea, occasional dizziness (I've had fluid in my ears in the past and was blaming it on that) but this time it was lasting much longer than usual. I also had sharp pains in my chest with more consistent heart murmurs (or that's what it felt like), but I convinced myself that I was just breathing wired and pushing myself too hard and needed to rest it all off.
All that resting and laying miserably in bed gave me a lot of time to think and pray about the things I had heard in lecture... "It's so important to know WHY I believe certain things. It's so important to know what I believe" I reminded my self... and believe me, I thought and thought and by the end of the week I had pretty much thought over all the deep stuff and now that my body was feeling better... my mind was a little tired from all the thinking. I welcomed the weekend with open arms.

Changing the Atmosphere

Week six arrived in no time... It seemed crazy to me how quickly the weeks were passing. This was one of those weeks we thought would never get here. It was the week Lou Engle and Brian Kim spoke to us. We were all expectant and ready to hear what they had to teach us. That monday we all piled into the Fire and Fragrance tent and sat close together, waiting for Lou to enter. We were all so giddy and ready to fall more in love with Jesus. Then, Lou entered the tent, instantly two-hundred young people were on their feet, cheering, standing on chairs, clapping and jumping up and down. The deafening sound of our joined voices filled the small space. This was no special greeting, it was how we greeted all of our speakers, but somehow, that day I knew the atmosphere changed.
Before this adventure, I had no hope for revival in America. But during week six, God changed that. He restored the way I looked at America and gave me hope for the nation I thought was hopeless. Lou and Brian spoke about night and day prayer and worship and really knowing who we are in Christ. It is so important that we keep a constant atmosphere of prayer and worship all around us every day. Intersession is so important because the bottom line is that we are changing the atmosphere EVERY time we pray. God HEARS prayers. Heaven's angel armies are waiting to be sent out with every single word that crosses the lips of people everywhere. Prayer is powerful and when we know who we are and the power we really do have to change lives with the power of Christ living within us, think of how the world will change. "Revival is coming, Ekballo!! Ekballo is the word that Jesus used when he said pray the Lord of the harvest to send forth laborers. He didn't use the normal word for send, he used the word Ekballo which is the same word he used when he said 'I cast out demons by the finger of God.' I Ekballo demons. When Jesus Ekballos demons, demons HAVE TO GO. How many of you know that when Jesus Ekballos laborers, laborers HAVE TO GO?!" Lou said. My heart stirred... Lou was right.... "It's time for war." I thought, "the enemy has messed with this girl long enough and now, now it's time to war."
Later that week we signed up for "Moravian Hours" where we each took one hour during the night that week to fast and pray. It was the first time I had ever sacrificed sleep to pray and war for something I believed in... Revival.  "You pray and shockwaves hit the enemy, changing eternity. History belongs to the intercessor." -Lou. "Whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven"-Matthew 18:18. At the end of that week, I knew who I was, I knew I was a world changer, I knew I was a nation shaker, I now knew that I could change the atmosphere.

The Light of the Stars

My close friends and family know that I am obsessed with stars. I always have been and I probably always will be. There is something so captivating about them. I'm infatuated with the way they shine, form constellations and the way they fall, never to be seen again. Their light shines through the night, piercing the darkness so beautifully. I love to lay outside and just look at them for hours, pondering, wondering and thinking about anything and everything. God loves to speak to me through the stars. He loves to teach me little things. My favorite name for God is Breather of the stars. It has such a captivating essence to it. It makes me stand in such great awe of my Lord.... He breathes stars! WOW!
Probably one of the most memorable times the Lord spoke to me was through a friend. It was corprate week (week 4) and one of my team members leaned over and said "God loves you more than all the stars combined." I looked at him blankly then burst into tears.... I had not told anyone on my team how much I loved stars... How would he know how much that means to me. "God wanted you to know that, He told me to tell you that Micah." He said. I just looked at him and said "Thank you." "God," I thought "I love you too." The meaning of those words went deep into my soul. "God loves me more that ALL the stars combined." Whoa.
Week five finally came and let me say that I was a bit skeptical. This was "Holy Spirit" week. Now, before YWAM I was a bit skeptical on the whole "Holy Spirit" thing. I never put God in a box but the idea of the Holy Spirit kind of made me feel a bit uncomfortable because I had no understanding of Him what-so-ever. Anywho, I sat and listened to our speaker (Amy) but the more I listened the more I was convinced that what she was saying was true. She lined everything up with scripture and every doubt or question I've ever had was knocked down with a Bible verse and answered. One of my favorite things she said was "God is my father, Jesus is my lover and Holy Spirit is my friend"... Wow, I had never thought of it that way before. Another day we prayed to receive the Holy Spirit. "If you can speak in tongues than you've already received the Holy spirit." Amy said. "Well, I can speak in tongues so I guess I'm good!" I thought "Besides, I am NOT going to fall over like some people do... (At the time this still creeped me out a little)." So, when the time came, we began singing some worship songs as people were receiving prayer. There I stood. worshiping like everyone else. People were being prayed for and they were being baptized in the Holy spirit. I opened my eyes a little while worshiping (yes I confess) and I saw Amy making her way towards me... "Nope. No, no, no God. I have the Holy spirit... See? I'm speaking in tongues." I then began to pray in tongues so God and Amy would see and know I already had the Holy Spirit. She began to pray for me anyway. "God, I better not fall over." I told the Lord. Then Amy said "Lord we pray that you would send your Holy Spirit down and she would be filled in Jesus' name." Suddenly I felt a breath come into my lungs and something land hard in the pit of my gut. I burst into uncontrollable sobs and so many emotions filled my mind and I was filled. Later I was contemplating what happened and I asked the Lord, He simply said "Micah, I have breathed in you the light of the stars." and again, I began to weep... It was then that I began to believe that God did see me and notice me... He knew me.

The Moment My Heart Stopped

I suppose everyone has had a moment in life where it felt as though their heart may have stopped. I experienced this the day I found out where I would be going on outreach for two and a half months. Now, before I go further I must tell you that, ever since I was a little girl, I have been in love with India. I don't know why I had/have such an affinity towards the people or the country but I do know that it is the Lord that put it in my heart. As a young girl I was always the Indian princess needing to be rescued, painting red dots on my head and begging my mother to buy me a princess Jasmine outfit. As I grew older days of make pretend turned into having an India themed room, complete with lanterns and a bedspread filled with rich colors. I just loved it. I couldn't even explain to people why I loved it so much... India was just engraved on my heart and probably always will be. 

Anyway, whenever I informed people that I was going to YWAM (beginning two years before actually going) I would tell them I planned on going to India on outreach. They asked how I knew this and I said "Well, I'm not sure if it's a choice but that's where I want to go." 

To my dismay, I was informed upon arriving in Kona that India was probably not a choice because the school I had chosen doesn't ever go to India. Needless to say I was heartbroken but I knew I was where I needed to be so I just told the Lord, "I don't know what you think you're doing but I trust you." (Yes, sometimes I speak with God in a sassy tone). 

The day finally came where we would find out our choices for outreach. I sat there, expectant... "What will they be..." I thought. Little did I know that just two weeks before they decided to make India and outreach location. "America, South Africa, India..." My mind went blurry..... "did they just say INDIA?!" I gave out a little scream, I could hardly sit in my seat... later that day I prayed and prayed and called my parents for guidance... I knew I was supposed to go to India. I knew it, they knew it... Later I sent in my top three choices and waited for the day when they would announce teams.

Finally the day came when I would find out who my new family was (at least for the next two and a half months). "Team India!" the speaker announced. "Ohmygosh.... what if I'm not on the list?!" I panicked... The speaker started announcing names, none of them were mine. My heart sank. Finally, it sounded like they were done, like the team was full... Then, they said MY name! I shrieked.... stood up, I was shaking so bad... There I was (probably looking like a fool) trying to run up to my team but I couldn't really see through my tears. I tripped over some chords and a rug and embraced my new family. "Could this be real?" I thought, then a peace came over me and I knew it was.

The following days we would sit together during lecture, hang out on the weekends and have awesome team times getting to know each other. I knew from the beginning that I had the best team in the world.

Week Three and Four

By the third and fourth week I was used to the flow of the school schedule. It was a busy one but I enjoyed the structure. Week three was uncomfortable. We talked about freedom and entitlements. I realized that we are in a war and Satan will do and is doing everything in his power to keep us from knowing who we are in Christ. We must LET GO of our past, and partner with Jesus, standing firm against the enemy. We have to put our complete and total trust in God. If we are holding onto something, wanting to control it, that means we aren't fully trusting the Lord with it. We can so easily feel entitled to control, or to possessions, or to relationships but the truth is that we must give EVERYTHING over to God. The truth is we are entitled to nothing. We don't deserve something because we earned it... everything we have is because of God, therefore it belongs to Him and not us. Giving everything over to Him will make life a lot easier anyway. I realized it was time to start letting a lot of things go.
The fourth week was Corporate Week where all the schools come together for one teaching. We talked about beliefs. One of my favorite quotes is by Elisabeth Elliot. She says in her book Let Me Be a Woman, "Know what you believe and hang your soul on those beliefs". I love that quote because, as Christians, we must know what we believe and why we believe it. This really hit home for me because there are so many things that I believed but I never took the time to explore WHY I believed them. Another quote that hit home for me was by Darlene Cunningham "If you believe something is right but don't do it, you aren't living with integrity". WHOA! Convicting! This is basically restating "Don't just talk the talk, WALK THE WALK"!! I was very convicted by that statement... Darlene then went on to communicate that we are like trees. the soil we are rooted in is our worldview, our roots represent our beliefs, our trunk represents our values, our branches are our decisions, and our fruit is our actions. If our fruit isn't good, it's probably time to rethink some things in other areas of our lives. "Okay Micah," I thought, "it's time to test and examine yourself..." which by the way, is one of the hardest things to do.
All in all, both weeks went by pretty smoothly. Around the time of the third week I started experiencing intense chest pain, shortness of breath and became nauseous very frequently but I payed no attention to these things because I associated with anxiety attacks which I thought would go away... little did I know it would dramatically effect my life in just couple short months...

The beginning of the beginning

My first week in Kona was scary. I kept hearing things like "some of you will stay at your outreach locations and buy your gravestones there" and "you're all amazing gospel preachers!" I knew the missionary life wasn't for me and I sure as heck had never preached before so there was no way either of those were going to be true for me (or at least so it seemed in my mind at the time). "I can't believe the guts this guy has... he thinks he can tell me what I'm going to do with my future" I thought to myself... then I remembered I came here to be changed... Oops.
It was weird. I felt as though I was surrounded my many mature Christians and I was the only one who wasn't really sure about everything. Though I was nervous and a bit timid I pressed through and pressed in, determined to find truth... The truth that would change me. The change was gradual. It was so slow that I didn't even notice I was changing. By the end of the first week I was a professional gospel preacher and really actually believed it. That in and of itself was amazing because for the first time in a long time, my heart believed the words I was saying about Jesus. My heart believed the simple gospel. Which leads me to one of the first things I learned: The gospel is SIMPLE. I had grown up in church my whole life and never heard the SIMPLE gospel. Sometimes people try to complicate it and say all these things that can taint our view of what Jesus did on the cross but the truth is that He died as a sacrifice in our place and rose from the dead so WE could live eternally with Him in heaven. No hidden "but you must do this to be saved from hell" or "to be good enough to get in to heaven you must"... NO! Jesus wants us even though we're imperfect because the truth is nothing we ever do could make us good enough to enter into heaven without Him. I had so wrapped my brain in religion... in the "do" mentality that I forgot that. Religion says "do, do, do", "You must do this to be saved" or "you must do this to earn God's love."but relationship (Jesus) says "No, DONE". Whoa, my mind was blown.
One day, we broke up into small groups and did something called original design. Basically, we go around the group and pray for each person asking God to show/tell us what His original design for that person was. I was skeptical that God would even talk to me still but I obediently closed my eyes and prayed, "God, please.... PLEASE show me something." Words and pictures began to fill my mind immediately, I didn't even know these girls, how could it be that I knew these things? When it was my turn to say what God had shared with me I was surprised to hear each girl say how accurate I was. My mind was blown, God was trying to get my attention. I knew for sure I was hearing form him when it came to one of the girls in the group. I started praying and all of a sudden a heavy, thick and tangible presence fell on me.... I could hardly sit in my chair it was so strong. I felt so much love... joy-filled love I could hardly breathe. I started to cry. Not tears of sadness but of joy because I was so..... I don't know, filled with love I guess. It was weird but it was also the coolest thing I was ever felt. Then, for the first time in ages I heard God say "Micah, I let you feel my love for her... and it's the same love I feel towards you." WOW. It was the first time I had ever felt a love so deep... "God," I thought "If you're trying to get my attention, you have it." Then the presence left, I could no longer feel it as strongly and immediately my heart ached to feel it again.
During that first week God relentlessly pursued me. I thought that it couldn't get better, that I couldn't possibly be closer to Him, but God knew otherwise and prepared me in those seven days to be changed, to go deeper in relationship with Him than I ever had before. 

A little bit of background

I returned about three weeks ago from the most amazing adventure of a lifetime. It was the most incredible experience my life has seen thus far. I do hope I'll have another adventure like it some day. Since this adventure was so incredible I thought it would be nice to start a blog about these last six months. You may read it or choose not to read it. I cannot promise it wont be wordy, and I cannot promise my grammar will be perfect. Everything I say here is truly form my heart. I'm an open book. I do wish that as you read you get something out of these words. I hope this blog refreshes you and I hope that somehow God uses this blog to touch your heart in new ways. This adventure changed me. and I cannot deny that. It changed the way I think, the way I act, the way I view God and the way I view myself.
You see, before all of this I was alone, or at least I felt like I was. I had been hurt by the world and by people so I shut off my heart to all feelings, to all people and to God. I was numb. Not the kind of numb that makes you glad you can no longer feel the pain and the hurt. No, it wasn't that kind. It was the kind of numb that makes you lay awake crying, weeping, wishing you could feel something, anything just for the sake of being able to feel at all. Every night I lay there in my bed thinking about the day. Thinking about how meaningless it had been. About how God probably didn't even care about me anymore because I was such a far cry away from what I thought a Christian should look like. I was sure He had given up on me a long time ago. So there I lay, night after night. Some nights I cried so long tears would no longer run from my eyes and the sound of my deep sobs filled the quiet void of the night. Others I would sit there wishing I had never been born.
I was going through all of this but I never told anyone, not even my family. From the outside looking in you would see a young girl, probably guess she had many friends, was confident in herself and had a purpose driven life. But none of that was true. I was striving for the approval of everyone around me. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and no matter how hard I looked or tried to find Him, I always failed.
One day, I remembered YWAM (Youth With A Mission). I had wanted to attend a DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM for a quite some time and in June of 2012 I finally decided to apply. Soon after I applied I got accepted and began to raise the funds. Although I wasn't one-hundred percent sure that God loved me, I knew I had to go somewhere to find Him and that seemed like the perfect place. I had somehow adopted this weird view of God. I knew He was real and believed in Jesus but I was beginning to believe that He was distant and not involved in every day life. Applying to the school was my last effort in finding out if God was really who He said he was.
I knew I couldn't feel God but I couldn't deny that some people had an intimate relationship with Him. I would look at other Christians and just stand in awe at how happy they were, how they spoke about God and how they lived their lives honoring and worshiping Him. I wanted so badly the joy and happiness they had but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to their level. I could not feel God. I could not be happy. I saw who these people were. I saw who I was. I knew who I wanted to be but no matter how hard I tried I could not become it so I lived life in hopelessness and depression, striving but never achieving.
Finally January came and my bags were packed. I said teary-eyed goodbyes to my family and I walked through security, not looking back. I was done with myself. I saw where I had gotten me and was ready to fully surrender to God, if He was real, if He would have me, I was ready to be changed.